few years ago I was just getting to know someone who has since turned out to be one of my dearest friends. We picked each others brains, explored each others psyches, and sniffed around each others asses like good dogs. I came across an old e-mail exchange where he asked me to tell him ten experiences I love.
Here’s how I responded (I had trouble narrowing it to ten…but, who’s gonna turn down ten plus?):
1. the electricity you feel on your skin when seeing the Vols run through the “T” 2. the texture of oatmeal cookies 3. the smell of the first day of school 4. fresh, just out of the package, uncreased, unbent, no oil from your skin, blank paper (of any kind) 5. those two dimples where a man’s lower back meets his buttocks (I call them thumb holds) 6. that moment when you breach past that certain spot inside a guy (different for each one) that makes him shiver and you know that now you own him. 7. the way big-footed puppies have no idea how much they command the ground 8. the way guys try to seem casual about the first time they have a very thick very heavy cock in their palm, not knowing thier dialated pupils betray them 9. the feel of your cock banging around in just old worn out sweats pant 10. watching the dew burn off the mountainside 11. the uneveness and give of floorboards in an old store 12. a long overdue piss 13. the tingle in your nostrils from spicy barbeque sauce 14. staring a guy down through the mirror, from behind, while you push his prostate up into his lungs
My friend, if you’re out there reading, I have to add number fifteen: You.
Posted in memes | 15 Comments » My Fair Tony September 10th, 2007
You’ve heard of the term “friend with benefits?” Well, earlier this summer, the the attorney became a “boyfriend with benefits.”
The benefit? Season tickets for Tennessee football. (Sex is just part of the job description.)
Season tickets are not easy to come by around here. Once people have them, they generally hold on to them until they die. I’ve heard of people keeping the deaths of their parents and grandparents a secret just to keep the tickets in the family. Or marrying into families with tickets. So, I’m sure I’m not the first to fuck for season tickets. Call me a whore, but I’m a whore who is sitting on the 40-yard line.
The attorney and I went to our first game together Saturday in the Vols 2007 home opener. They womped Southern Mississippi 39-19. That’s all I’m going to say specifically about the game. So, ya’ll can keep on reading.
Most of the people who sit around the attorney also have season tickets. So week after week, year after year, they all sit together. They have all come to know each other. I don’t know if it’s the nature of such good seats or if it’s a coincidence, but they are also all upper income types. The Fancy Folks.
I’m used to buying tickets on the street and sitting in different places from week to week. The once place that I do not feel uneasy around a bunch of strangers is at a football game. On a football Saturday all those others clad in orange are not really strangers. We are there for a single-minded purpose. For those three or four hours, they are simply my 108,000 closest friends.
I didn’t feel that usual-pigskin induced comfort this time. It’s one thing when you are the outsider, sitting among the Fancies for just one week. They’ll never see you again. But when you are being brought in to be a part of the group, you can’t help but feel the scrutiny. It felt like when Audrey Hepburn goes to the horse races in “My Fair Lady.”
Everyone was very nice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what was on their minds. There had to be an opinion that I was in a Vols T-shirt and jeans when all the other men were in orange polos and Dockers. That may have only been because of the relative difference in age. (I was definitely the youngest one in the group.) There had to be an opinion that I’m blue-collar. There had to be an opinion about why the person who used to hold the attorney’s extra season ticket was no longer there. Maybe there was not a usual person in the seat. Maybe the attorney took different friends to the game. And if that’s the case, what are they going to think when I’m back at the next home game.
That’s the thing about strangers. They are the most intimidating when you’re trying to make them no longer strangers.
Posted in being tony, football | 23 Comments » Dream Pitcher September 8th, 2007
I don’t know how many of you are into interpreting dreams, but here’s a doozy.
Lord knows it’s not the first time I’ve had a sex dream. And it’s not the first time I have had a sex dream about someone on my blog roll. But its the first time I have had a sex dream involving two bloggers.
So one of the bloggers and I were having some naked time on an out-cropping of rocks where where big foamy waves were crashing all around us. He was splayed out flat on his belly taking a serious pounding. I was in deep in his noisy hole, working it like a farm girl with her first butter churn.
Then all of a sudden the earth started shaking. And it turns out it wasn’t because I was rocking the blogger’s world. It was the second blogger, who suddenly appeared by exploding out of the rocks. Deadly shards of rock went flying all over the place as blogger number two flew into the sky above us, but didn’t stop enjoying my glass of blogger on the rocks (it was just a flying blogger, not a football game).
I didn’t realize it until it was too late, but the next thing that happened was blogger two zoomed down and grabbed me by the ankle. With super human strength, he yanked me out of the first blogger and slammed me down on the rocks like an old bear killing a fish. (A grizzly or Yogi typer bear…not the leather harness type.)
Then the flying blogger scooped up the well-fucked, but not quite done, blogger in a heroic way and flew off with him.
Just before they disappeared, blogger one turned back, looking over number two’s shoulder and mouthed the words “Call me.”
Okay, that very last part didn’t really happen in the dream. I just thought it would be a better ending than the way the dream really ended with them just going away.
I’ve heard that sex dreams are really more about power control than about sex. Maybe then dreams about power struggles are really about fucking.
So, in the words of He-Man, “I have the power!”
Yeah, in my dreams.
Posted in dating and sex, being tony | 21 Comments » Shoot Out September 3rd, 2007
shootout.jpg
It was a shoot out (that’s what they call it when it’s a high scoring game on both sides of the ball) and the Vols took most of the bullets.
A lot of points were scored in Saturday night’s game. Seventy-six points, in fact. Unfortunately only 31 of those belonged to the Vols. After last year’s 17-point whipping of the Cal (Berkley), the Golden Bears got their revenge and beat Tennessee by 14. Final score 45-31. It’s the first time Tennessee has lost a season opener in 13 years and it was the most points scored against Tennessee in 12.
But those aren’t the only shots Tennessee is suffering right now. The Vols had the fortune (or misfortune, depending how you look at it) to be the first on the front lines in the great SEC vs. PAC-10 War.
There have always been arguments about which college football conference is the toughest. Now, no conference is tough from top to bottom. Every fan has their on reasons and rationales for why their conference is the toughest. People like to say that the PAC-10 (Pacific) is stronger because they have had more National Championships in the last few years (all of them won by one team: USC). Some people claim the Big-10 is tops because of the legacy of Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.
Those of us who are fans of the SEC (Southeastern Conference) argue that ours is toughest because, year after year, we have more high-ranked teams than any other. I think we have the most valid argument because it’s based on facts and not just opinions (although I guess you could argue that the rankings, themselves are opinion.)
But earlier this summer the conference argument got ugly when Les Miles, the coach at LSU (Louisiana State Univ) shot his mouth off about what an easy road USC has to the National Championship being in the PAC-10. (What is it with Louisiana Swamp Rats being so arrogant about football). His implication was that with so few tough teams in the PAC-10 it’s easy to go through the season with no (or one) losses and be in position to play for the title.
I will admit he does have a point…to a point. USC’s biggest challenge, in conference, is Cal. But when Miles shot his mouth off, he sort of ignored the fact that USC is still an extremely talented team with an extremely talented coach. And would be tough for anybody to beat. He also ignored the fact that his own LSU, although playing in the tough SEC, is in the weaker division of the conference, and has a relatively light schedule this year himself. And his few tough games are on his home field. Trust me, that can make a huge difference when teams are evenly matched. (Just look at Tennessee and Cal. Tennessee whips Cal at Knoxville, the next year Cal whips Tennessee at Berkeley.)
So LSU’s coach disses USC in the media and fires the first shot. The battle is on. Any PAC-10 team is now an automatic rival of any SEC team. Whether they play each other or not.
So Saturday’s game was not just about Cal getting revenge on Tennessee. It was about the PAC-10 getting revenge on the SEC. And since the Vols are the only SEC team scheduled to play a PAC-10 team this year, the west coast now has the bragging rights and we’re the goat.
Predictions are that LSU has the talent and a light enough schedule to end up facing off against the also-talented and light-scheduled USC Trojans in the Big Game in January. If it happens and the Tigers win, then it settles the issue for the SEC. If they lose, then it reinforces it for the PAC-10. But, at least then it’s their fault and not Tennessee’s. Seems only fair since Les Miles pulled the trigger.
Posted in football | 10 Comments » Senior Year September 1st, 2007
senioryr.jpg
I know that in the world of the Big Time Bloggers it’s considered amateurish and maybe even a little passe to recognize your blogiversary. But, I’m not Big Time, so I say fuck it. Another year’s worth of posts (no matter how few) is a bit of an achievement for me and something to celebrate.
The last couple of years I have added some of my favorite post from the previous year to the side bar, so that new readers could easily get a flavor for what’s going on around here and decide whether or not it’s their cup of tea.
But, in hindsight is seems a little self-indulgent. It should be more about what the readers enjoy than what I enjoy. Lord knows if I want to please myself, I’ve got a couple of fists to turn to and have a three-way with. So, I want to ask you all to pick the “Best of year 3″ posts. If you have an entry posted between September 1, 2006 and August 31, 2007 that you particularly enjoyed, then let me know, either in comments or by e-mail. If anything gets enough mention, I’ll add it to the sidebar.
And so today, September 1, with this post (my 400th!) I begin my fourth year of blogging. My senior year. The beginning of the end.
At the end of your senior year, you graduate and move on. And so will I. It remains to be seen whether there will be any post-graduate posts, but LARGETONY, the Blog (as we now know it) will come to the end on August 31, 2008. I’ve thought about it for some time, and now that I have said it out loud, it’s official.
But that’s a long way away. I still have 365 more chances to rant, tell a funny story, talk about my pecker, share a recipe, obsess over Jake, and keep you up to date on Granny, the attorney, my blogger friends, and (of course) Volunteer football.
Writing this blog opened windows, exposed me to things I never knew existed, and changed my life, immeasurably, in ways you can’t imagine. It was something that I didn’t even want to do at first, but now I am so glad I did. And I thank you all so very much for taking this journey with me.
Be sure to sign the Anniversary Wall (NSFW). The third anniversary is LEATHER, you know. :-)
Posted in blogging, being tony | 16 Comments » Mapquest August 31st, 2007
A Letter From USAFG (United States Americans For Geography), a non-profit organization
Dear Citizen,
Did you know that every day more than 2,000,000 “U.S” Americans go without maps? Many lack basic navigation that you and I take for granted. Stuttering teens starve to know whether Florida is the one that looks like a flaccid penis or the one that looks like a boot; teens like Miss Teen South Carolina who, although she has nice house, nobody is home…perhaps because she has no map to help her find it.
For only 18 cents a day, you can sponsor a teen just like Miss Teen South Carolina or family without direction, such as those in South Africa or Iraq, and other Asian countries. It’s amazing what $5.40 a month can do. Your contribution can give the geographically-challenged hope and confidence and assure that no child is left behind. Because he or she will have a map to help them get where they are going.
Posted in general | 5 Comments » My Own Private Jake August 31st, 2007
objectobsess.jpg
You are all aware of the object of my obsession.
I’ve devoted several thousand words to him a few times on this very blog. I’ve burned a few hours scouring the net for pictures of People’s sexiest bachelor. I’ve replayed the tent scene from “Brokeback Mountain” over and over in my head (with my face pasted over Heath Ledger’s). I’ll even admit that I’ve watched the Santa dance from “Jarhead” repeatedly until I’m forced to stop and take care of myself. But, I never let it control me. I was a functioning Gyllenhallic.
Until my friend Larry (The Love Lemming) got me hooked on some much harder stuff. I got myself hooked on Jake, but Larry is the one who taught me how to cook it.
Any of you who read Larry before he stopped blogging knows that he is a computer gamer. One of his gaming passions is TheSim2. Now, I’m a SimCity player from way back when I was in high school. I have owned every version of that game. It was the only computer game I ever owned until I got interested in TheSims2 from Larry’s blog.
But, even when I bought and tried The Sims2 about a year ago, I was mostly interested in the building houses part of the game more so than the virtual lives of the characters in the game. The home construction aspect was sort of a more specific version of the city-building in SimCity.
Fascinating as it was, I just didn’t into watching the little animated people go through their daily lives eating, sleeping, and shitting (Yes, they go to the bathroom when needed)….that is until, Larry said to me a couple of weeks ago, “I got some good stuff for you to try, man. You’re gonna love this shit.”
Okay, he didn’t really say that. But if it was a movie from the ’80’s, he would have. He also would have opened a little baggie and poured a similated Jake out on the table in front of my amazed eyes.
You see, one of the things about TheSims2 is that much of the content of the game is customizable in look. There are people who devote hours to creating custom content: furniture, cars, wall paper, clothes…even the Sims (that’s what the characters are called) themselves. This custom stuff is available all over the internet for download into your own game. And someone made a Sim that is an amazing replica of Jake.
Larry came across it and told me about it. I downloaded it and put it into the game and the likeness was incredible. I had my own private Jake that I could make do whatever I want. Part of the game lets you create new Sims and you can pick hair color, facial features, and clothing. If you spend a little time…even with the basic game you can make people who sort of look like people you know. Some people are harder than others, but I figured if I had a Jake Sim, I needed a Tony Sim for him to play with. (You know how pets always like another pet to roll around with).
You don’t really have many options for body types in the game. Not like you do with facial features. But luckily the Sims are basically skinny and long armed and legged, so once I got the face figured out (it’s amazing how much you don’t know about the nuances of your own face until you try to recreate it) all I had to do was put him in a wife-beater and jeans and BAM! A little LT.
I dropped my doppelganger (one of my favorite words, and one which I never get to use) into the game with Jake and they took to each other immediately, kissing on the sidewalk in front of their house while the voyeuristic newsboy watched.
I went on a four-day Jake bing. I even went out and bought one of the expansion packs for the game.
If I was addicted to Jake before, I’m in danger of intervention now. I really am burning away too many of my free hours now. Next thing I know, I will have gained 40 lbs from physical inactivity (other than my mouse hand) and my butt will be even flatter from sitting in a computer chair for hours on end.
I was telling my friend Steve about it and he laughed at me and said I was basically playing dolls. The frightening thing is that he is sort of right. SimJake and SimTony have a dream house (SimTony even has a white pickup in the driveway) and a wardrobe, and I make them interact with each other.
But how often has Barbie soaked in bubble bath, before getting dressed up for a date with Ken, where they come home later and Barbie goes down (NSFW) on him as a prelude to getting busy in the sack (NSFW)?
Playing dolls, perhaps. But this ain’t your mother’s Barbie. It’s my own private Jake.
4 comments:
But the stream is always here:)
yes.
nevertheless...
it's a matter of aesthetics
my mistake
i guess,
no.
(άνευ σημασίας, άνευ ουσίας
σχόλιο...ήτοι μην πολυσκοτίζεσαι).
άσχετο:
visual_art+text
+αλληλουχίες+επαναλήψεις
αρέσκομαι στον βομβαρδισμό που μας υποβάλεις, makes me dizzy before i can even react
ισως.
δεν ξέρω
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » » »
few years ago I was just getting to know someone who has since turned out to be one of my dearest friends. We picked each others brains, explored each others psyches, and sniffed around each others asses like good dogs. I came across an old e-mail exchange where he asked me to tell him ten experiences I love.
Here’s how I responded (I had trouble narrowing it to ten…but, who’s gonna turn down ten plus?):
1. the electricity you feel on your skin when seeing the Vols run through the “T”
2. the texture of oatmeal cookies
3. the smell of the first day of school
4. fresh, just out of the package, uncreased, unbent, no oil from your skin, blank paper (of any kind)
5. those two dimples where a man’s lower back meets his buttocks (I call them thumb holds)
6. that moment when you breach past that certain spot inside a guy (different for each one) that makes him shiver and you know that now you own him.
7. the way big-footed puppies have no idea how much they command the ground
8. the way guys try to seem casual about the first time they have a very thick very heavy cock in their palm, not knowing thier dialated pupils betray them
9. the feel of your cock banging around in just old worn out sweats pant
10. watching the dew burn off the mountainside
11. the uneveness and give of floorboards in an old store
12. a long overdue piss
13. the tingle in your nostrils from spicy barbeque sauce
14. staring a guy down through the mirror, from behind, while you push his prostate up into his lungs
My friend, if you’re out there reading, I have to add number fifteen: You.
Posted in memes | 15 Comments »
My Fair Tony
September 10th, 2007
You’ve heard of the term “friend with benefits?” Well, earlier this summer, the the attorney became a “boyfriend with benefits.”
The benefit? Season tickets for Tennessee football. (Sex is just part of the job description.)
Season tickets are not easy to come by around here. Once people have them, they generally hold on to them until they die. I’ve heard of people keeping the deaths of their parents and grandparents a secret just to keep the tickets in the family. Or marrying into families with tickets. So, I’m sure I’m not the first to fuck for season tickets. Call me a whore, but I’m a whore who is sitting on the 40-yard line.
The attorney and I went to our first game together Saturday in the Vols 2007 home opener. They womped Southern Mississippi 39-19. That’s all I’m going to say specifically about the game. So, ya’ll can keep on reading.
Most of the people who sit around the attorney also have season tickets. So week after week, year after year, they all sit together. They have all come to know each other. I don’t know if it’s the nature of such good seats or if it’s a coincidence, but they are also all upper income types. The Fancy Folks.
I’m used to buying tickets on the street and sitting in different places from week to week. The once place that I do not feel uneasy around a bunch of strangers is at a football game. On a football Saturday all those others clad in orange are not really strangers. We are there for a single-minded purpose. For those three or four hours, they are simply my 108,000 closest friends.
I didn’t feel that usual-pigskin induced comfort this time. It’s one thing when you are the outsider, sitting among the Fancies for just one week. They’ll never see you again. But when you are being brought in to be a part of the group, you can’t help but feel the scrutiny. It felt like when Audrey Hepburn goes to the horse races in “My Fair Lady.”
Everyone was very nice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what was on their minds. There had to be an opinion that I was in a Vols T-shirt and jeans when all the other men were in orange polos and Dockers. That may have only been because of the relative difference in age. (I was definitely the youngest one in the group.) There had to be an opinion that I’m blue-collar. There had to be an opinion about why the person who used to hold the attorney’s extra season ticket was no longer there. Maybe there was not a usual person in the seat. Maybe the attorney took different friends to the game. And if that’s the case, what are they going to think when I’m back at the next home game.
That’s the thing about strangers. They are the most intimidating when you’re trying to make them no longer strangers.
Posted in being tony, football | 23 Comments »
Dream Pitcher
September 8th, 2007
I don’t know how many of you are into interpreting dreams, but here’s a doozy.
Lord knows it’s not the first time I’ve had a sex dream. And it’s not the first time I have had a sex dream about someone on my blog roll. But its the first time I have had a sex dream involving two bloggers.
So one of the bloggers and I were having some naked time on an out-cropping of rocks where where big foamy waves were crashing all around us. He was splayed out flat on his belly taking a serious pounding. I was in deep in his noisy hole, working it like a farm girl with her first butter churn.
Then all of a sudden the earth started shaking. And it turns out it wasn’t because I was rocking the blogger’s world. It was the second blogger, who suddenly appeared by exploding out of the rocks. Deadly shards of rock went flying all over the place as blogger number two flew into the sky above us, but didn’t stop enjoying my glass of blogger on the rocks (it was just a flying blogger, not a football game).
I didn’t realize it until it was too late, but the next thing that happened was blogger two zoomed down and grabbed me by the ankle. With super human strength, he yanked me out of the first blogger and slammed me down on the rocks like an old bear killing a fish. (A grizzly or Yogi typer bear…not the leather harness type.)
Then the flying blogger scooped up the well-fucked, but not quite done, blogger in a heroic way and flew off with him.
Just before they disappeared, blogger one turned back, looking over number two’s shoulder and mouthed the words “Call me.”
Okay, that very last part didn’t really happen in the dream. I just thought it would be a better ending than the way the dream really ended with them just going away.
I’ve heard that sex dreams are really more about power control than about sex. Maybe then dreams about power struggles are really about fucking.
So, in the words of He-Man, “I have the power!”
Yeah, in my dreams.
Posted in dating and sex, being tony | 21 Comments »
Shoot Out
September 3rd, 2007
shootout.jpg
It was a shoot out (that’s what they call it when it’s a high scoring game on both sides of the ball) and the Vols took most of the bullets.
A lot of points were scored in Saturday night’s game. Seventy-six points, in fact. Unfortunately only 31 of those belonged to the Vols. After last year’s 17-point whipping of the Cal (Berkley), the Golden Bears got their revenge and beat Tennessee by 14. Final score 45-31. It’s the first time Tennessee has lost a season opener in 13 years and it was the most points scored against Tennessee in 12.
But those aren’t the only shots Tennessee is suffering right now. The Vols had the fortune (or misfortune, depending how you look at it) to be the first on the front lines in the great SEC vs. PAC-10 War.
There have always been arguments about which college football conference is the toughest. Now, no conference is tough from top to bottom. Every fan has their on reasons and rationales for why their conference is the toughest. People like to say that the PAC-10 (Pacific) is stronger because they have had more National Championships in the last few years (all of them won by one team: USC). Some people claim the Big-10 is tops because of the legacy of Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.
Those of us who are fans of the SEC (Southeastern Conference) argue that ours is toughest because, year after year, we have more high-ranked teams than any other. I think we have the most valid argument because it’s based on facts and not just opinions (although I guess you could argue that the rankings, themselves are opinion.)
But earlier this summer the conference argument got ugly when Les Miles, the coach at LSU (Louisiana State Univ) shot his mouth off about what an easy road USC has to the National Championship being in the PAC-10. (What is it with Louisiana Swamp Rats being so arrogant about football). His implication was that with so few tough teams in the PAC-10 it’s easy to go through the season with no (or one) losses and be in position to play for the title.
I will admit he does have a point…to a point. USC’s biggest challenge, in conference, is Cal. But when Miles shot his mouth off, he sort of ignored the fact that USC is still an extremely talented team with an extremely talented coach. And would be tough for anybody to beat. He also ignored the fact that his own LSU, although playing in the tough SEC, is in the weaker division of the conference, and has a relatively light schedule this year himself. And his few tough games are on his home field. Trust me, that can make a huge difference when teams are evenly matched. (Just look at Tennessee and Cal. Tennessee whips Cal at Knoxville, the next year Cal whips Tennessee at Berkeley.)
So LSU’s coach disses USC in the media and fires the first shot. The battle is on. Any PAC-10 team is now an automatic rival of any SEC team. Whether they play each other or not.
So Saturday’s game was not just about Cal getting revenge on Tennessee. It was about the PAC-10 getting revenge on the SEC. And since the Vols are the only SEC team scheduled to play a PAC-10 team this year, the west coast now has the bragging rights and we’re the goat.
Predictions are that LSU has the talent and a light enough schedule to end up facing off against the also-talented and light-scheduled USC Trojans in the Big Game in January. If it happens and the Tigers win, then it settles the issue for the SEC. If they lose, then it reinforces it for the PAC-10. But, at least then it’s their fault and not Tennessee’s. Seems only fair since Les Miles pulled the trigger.
Posted in football | 10 Comments »
Senior Year
September 1st, 2007
senioryr.jpg
I know that in the world of the Big Time Bloggers it’s considered amateurish and maybe even a little passe to recognize your blogiversary. But, I’m not Big Time, so I say fuck it. Another year’s worth of posts (no matter how few) is a bit of an achievement for me and something to celebrate.
The last couple of years I have added some of my favorite post from the previous year to the side bar, so that new readers could easily get a flavor for what’s going on around here and decide whether or not it’s their cup of tea.
But, in hindsight is seems a little self-indulgent. It should be more about what the readers enjoy than what I enjoy. Lord knows if I want to please myself, I’ve got a couple of fists to turn to and have a three-way with. So, I want to ask you all to pick the “Best of year 3″ posts. If you have an entry posted between September 1, 2006 and August 31, 2007 that you particularly enjoyed, then let me know, either in comments or by e-mail. If anything gets enough mention, I’ll add it to the sidebar.
And so today, September 1, with this post (my 400th!) I begin my fourth year of blogging. My senior year. The beginning of the end.
At the end of your senior year, you graduate and move on. And so will I. It remains to be seen whether there will be any post-graduate posts, but LARGETONY, the Blog (as we now know it) will come to the end on August 31, 2008. I’ve thought about it for some time, and now that I have said it out loud, it’s official.
But that’s a long way away. I still have 365 more chances to rant, tell a funny story, talk about my pecker, share a recipe, obsess over Jake, and keep you up to date on Granny, the attorney, my blogger friends, and (of course) Volunteer football.
Writing this blog opened windows, exposed me to things I never knew existed, and changed my life, immeasurably, in ways you can’t imagine. It was something that I didn’t even want to do at first, but now I am so glad I did. And I thank you all so very much for taking this journey with me.
Be sure to sign the Anniversary Wall (NSFW). The third anniversary is LEATHER, you know. :-)
Posted in blogging, being tony | 16 Comments »
Mapquest
August 31st, 2007
A Letter From USAFG (United States Americans For Geography), a non-profit organization
Dear Citizen,
Did you know that every day more than 2,000,000 “U.S” Americans go without maps? Many lack basic navigation that you and I take for granted. Stuttering teens starve to know whether Florida is the one that looks like a flaccid penis or the one that looks like a boot; teens like Miss Teen South Carolina who, although she has nice house, nobody is home…perhaps because she has no map to help her find it.
For only 18 cents a day, you can sponsor a teen just like Miss Teen South Carolina or family without direction, such as those in South Africa or Iraq, and other Asian countries. It’s amazing what $5.40 a month can do. Your contribution can give the geographically-challenged hope and confidence and assure that no child is left behind. Because he or she will have a map to help them get where they are going.
Posted in general | 5 Comments »
My Own Private Jake
August 31st, 2007
objectobsess.jpg
You are all aware of the object of my obsession.
I’ve devoted several thousand words to him a few times on this very blog. I’ve burned a few hours scouring the net for pictures of People’s sexiest bachelor. I’ve replayed the tent scene from “Brokeback Mountain” over and over in my head (with my face pasted over Heath Ledger’s). I’ll even admit that I’ve watched the Santa dance from “Jarhead” repeatedly until I’m forced to stop and take care of myself. But, I never let it control me. I was a functioning Gyllenhallic.
Until my friend Larry (The Love Lemming) got me hooked on some much harder stuff. I got myself hooked on Jake, but Larry is the one who taught me how to cook it.
Any of you who read Larry before he stopped blogging knows that he is a computer gamer. One of his gaming passions is TheSim2. Now, I’m a SimCity player from way back when I was in high school. I have owned every version of that game. It was the only computer game I ever owned until I got interested in TheSims2 from Larry’s blog.
But, even when I bought and tried The Sims2 about a year ago, I was mostly interested in the building houses part of the game more so than the virtual lives of the characters in the game. The home construction aspect was sort of a more specific version of the city-building in SimCity.
Fascinating as it was, I just didn’t into watching the little animated people go through their daily lives eating, sleeping, and shitting (Yes, they go to the bathroom when needed)….that is until, Larry said to me a couple of weeks ago, “I got some good stuff for you to try, man. You’re gonna love this shit.”
Okay, he didn’t really say that. But if it was a movie from the ’80’s, he would have. He also would have opened a little baggie and poured a similated Jake out on the table in front of my amazed eyes.
You see, one of the things about TheSims2 is that much of the content of the game is customizable in look. There are people who devote hours to creating custom content: furniture, cars, wall paper, clothes…even the Sims (that’s what the characters are called) themselves. This custom stuff is available all over the internet for download into your own game. And someone made a Sim that is an amazing replica of Jake.
Larry came across it and told me about it. I downloaded it and put it into the game and the likeness was incredible. I had my own private Jake that I could make do whatever I want. Part of the game lets you create new Sims and you can pick hair color, facial features, and clothing. If you spend a little time…even with the basic game you can make people who sort of look like people you know. Some people are harder than others, but I figured if I had a Jake Sim, I needed a Tony Sim for him to play with. (You know how pets always like another pet to roll around with).
You don’t really have many options for body types in the game. Not like you do with facial features. But luckily the Sims are basically skinny and long armed and legged, so once I got the face figured out (it’s amazing how much you don’t know about the nuances of your own face until you try to recreate it) all I had to do was put him in a wife-beater and jeans and BAM! A little LT.
I dropped my doppelganger (one of my favorite words, and one which I never get to use) into the game with Jake and they took to each other immediately, kissing on the sidewalk in front of their house while the voyeuristic newsboy watched.
I went on a four-day Jake bing. I even went out and bought one of the expansion packs for the game.
If I was addicted to Jake before, I’m in danger of intervention now. I really am burning away too many of my free hours now. Next thing I know, I will have gained 40 lbs from physical inactivity (other than my mouse hand) and my butt will be even flatter from sitting in a computer chair for hours on end.
I was telling my friend Steve about it and he laughed at me and said I was basically playing dolls. The frightening thing is that he is sort of right. SimJake and SimTony have a dream house (SimTony even has a white pickup in the driveway) and a wardrobe, and I make them interact with each other.
But how often has Barbie soaked in bubble bath, before getting dressed up for a date with Ken, where they come home later and Barbie goes down (NSFW) on him as a prelude to getting busy in the sack (NSFW)?
Playing dolls, perhaps. But this ain’t your mother’s Barbie. It’s my own private Jake.
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